


Facade of Perfection

by prouveyrac



Category: HTGAWM, How to Get Away with Murder
Genre: M/M, Panic Attacks, it's murder night eyyy, this isn't actually very romantic or shippy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-03
Updated: 2015-01-03
Packaged: 2018-03-05 02:03:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3101036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prouveyrac/pseuds/prouveyrac
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Connor couldn’t make out any thoughts going through his head, but his mind was going a mile a minute. He was shaking and he felt sick and the stench of smoke and burning flesh was stuck in his nose.</p>
<p>If he tried just hard enough, he could get his hand steady enough so that he could knock on apartment 303, Oliver’s apartment.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Facade of Perfection

~~_I am okay._ ~~

~~_I am fine._ ~~

_Oliver wouldn't want to see me. I am not okay. I am not fine._

_Oh my god, I can’t breathe._

Connor couldn't make out any thoughts going through his head, but his mind was going a mile a minute. He was shaking and he felt sick and the stench of smoke and burning flesh was stuck in his nose.

If he tried just hard enough, he could get his hand steady enough so that he could knock on apartment 303, Oliver’s apartment.

Connor paced the floor a short distance. He was pulling at his hair, trying to even his breathing. Oliver doesn’t care about him anymore. He would only want to see Connor when he doesn't feel like he’s dying.

_He hates me. I can’t breathe. I feel like I’m dying._

Connor froze when he heard the door open and turned to see Oliver standing there, looking exhausted and not very happy. Though, Connor couldn’t help to stop the smile from forming on his lips. Oliver answered.

"What are you doing here?" His voice was emotionless, bland. Annoyed.

Connor was surprised he was able to form a semi-coherent sentence. “I-I-I was in the neighborhood,” he stuttered out, looking down.

"It’s six A.M," Oliver stated.

"Well, the early bird gets the worm, right?" Connor chuckled.  _The early bird gets the worm after you fucking murder your law professor’s husband and oh my god._

"Are you… on something?" Oliver asked, furrowing his eyebrow as he took a small step out of his apartment.

"Oh I wish," Connor laughed, going back to pacing back and forth. He gripped his hair again, pulling. 

"Oh, God, you smell; what’s that? Smoke?"

Connor didn’t answer him. He turned back to him. “I screwed up, Oliver.” He hated how weak he sounded. He hated himself. He couldn’t breathe. “I-I screwed up so bad.” His chest felt like it was tightening with every moment that passed. He gasped for breath and he felt tears start to stream down his cheeks.

His facade of perfection was cracking.

"I screwed up, I screwed up," he repeated, his gasps turning into sobs as he slid down the nearest wall. He couldn’t stop shaking. He hit his head on the wall, unable to stop the words "I screwed up" from continuing to come out of his mouth.

"I screwed up so bad, I screwed up, _I screwed up_ ,” Connor sobbed. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Oliver crouch down next to him.

Hesitantly, Oliver placed a hand on Connor’s shoulder. “Hey, look at me, it’s going to be okay,” he said, his voice comforting to Connor’s ears.

"No, it isn’t, it isn’t," Connor gasped, shaking his head and keeping his eyes on the wall in front of him.

"Yes it is," Oliver said softly. "Whatever it is, it’s going to be okay. Want to come inside? You can tell me everything."

Connor continued shaking his head, another sob escaping his lips. “You- you don’t want to do that. I screwed up so much, Oliver; I don’t want to fuck you up. I just- I screwed up so much, Oliver. You’ll hate me even more.” He couldn’t calm himself down. His breathing was still in pants and gasps and- oh, God, he probably looked weak and pathetic to Oliver and how he is supposed to stay calm and act like he did nothing when he was apart of a murder?

He felt sick.

"Connor, listen to me," Oliver gently ordered. "I need you to breathe, okay? Deep breaths, can you do that for me?"

Connor shook his head rapidly, closing his eyes tight. “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t,” he rushed out.

"Okay," Oliver said, "Connor, I’m going to hug you, okay?" Connor nodded quickly. He then felt Oliver pull him close and, after a few minutes, realized he was being held against his chest. Out of reflex, he took the shirt material in his hands, holding on tightly.

Connor felt Oliver starting to card his fingers through his hair. ”Hear my heartbeat? Just focus on that.”

Connor nodded, keeping his eyes shut. “Okay, okay,” he murmured, doing as told.

It was calming. Connor started to feel content, or at least, as content as he could be. Listening to Oliver’s heartbeat, his own breathing started to even out.

Oliver continued to run his hand through Connor’s hair, occasionally running his other down his back. Connor clung to Oliver the entire time.

After fifteen minutes, the tightness in his chest started to fade and it felt as if the world wasn’t spinning anymore and his mind wasn’t racing anymore.

"Are you okay?" Oliver asked softly.

Connor nodded, finally opening his eyes. Looking up at Oliver, he said, “I- yeah, I’m- I’m okay,” he said quietly.

"Do you want to come inside? You can get some sleep if you need," Oliver offered.

"Can I use your shower?" Connor asked. "Then I’ll… tell you what happened."

Oliver nodded. “Of course. Come on, lets get you inside.”

Connor was already thinking of a lie to tell Oliver.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!!! follow me on tumblr @ francisxabernathy


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